the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
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Just grow your own
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.