Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
You Might Also Like
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
God has abandoned us.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
what the
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?