Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.