If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I’m giving up for Lent.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.