What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You Might Also Like
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
What?!?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg