octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
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ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.