Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
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“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.