Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM