This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package