This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.