Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
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The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
😎 🍻
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.