If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
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My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I already tried new things thanks.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.