Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
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I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
We decided to have money instead of children.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
same energy
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going