Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
You Might Also Like
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair