Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
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when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
True
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it