In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office