My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
You Might Also Like
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Denise please return my vape pen
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”