My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.