My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
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If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
3% human
97% stress
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
This guy gets it.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?