What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
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On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Snapes on a plane.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.