i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
You Might Also Like
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Boating season is upon us.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
The best plant holders?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.