If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
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Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
The cake is mightier than the sword.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*