The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
also my go-to takeaway order
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.