Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*