What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
me and who
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.