Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –