car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
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BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”