when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
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American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Ah yes. The three genders
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Well, shit