I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.