casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
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“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
White Castle for the Win
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.