Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
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Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
A leaf blower, but for people.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
How times have changed.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
finally
bought wrong eggs
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.