Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
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We have a winner.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.