before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
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Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
you have three unread messages
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Accurate
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”