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Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
OKAY DAD
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math