the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.