I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
You Might Also Like
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler