<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
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Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
This is painfully accurate 😅
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
3% human
97% stress
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do