I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
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Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force