obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
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[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Children of the corn 🌽
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.