My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.