DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
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I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
A family that plays together cheats.
What flavor cupcake are these
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Me irl
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!