*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
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I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.