She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Banking tips
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Just a bush.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!