Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.