Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Natty or not?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.