6: are snakes just neck?
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me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
We have a winner.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?