Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
You Might Also Like
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.