Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
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Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me recordaron éste meme
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows