My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me sliding into hell like
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
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That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
mechanics be like
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years