[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
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I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
then why did i get this email
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Well, shit
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Give a baker flours on your first date.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.